Spousal / Partner Communications in Retirement

Recently I’ve written blogs concerning spousal/partner relationships in retirement. I mention the importance of communication, whether it is how each feel about retirement, roles and responsibilities, acts of kindness and appreciation, family challenges, etc. (see www.whencaniretire.ca/insights/.

But what makes for good communication between spouses and partners?

For many couples, retirement comes as a shock. Each partner has been wrapped up in their world of work, taking care of the kids, and maintaining the home, which leaves little time for each other. Then comes retirement, the daily grind vanishes, the children are gone, and there are just the two of you!

However, this extra time together means old patterns of communication may be so shaken up that new communication behaviour is required. If one or both partners feel they have been misunderstood, not been listened to, or treated with less than adequate respect, then spending more time together may put additional strain on the relationship.

As part of your retirement planning, it is necessary to access the communications with your spouse to determine if and what changes are needed. When completing your assessment, acknowledge your communication strengths but also note the areas where you need improvement.

When thinking about your communication strategy, ask yourself the following questions:

Do I tune out when he/she says something I do not agree with or do not want to hear?
Do I assume I know what he/she is going to say and stop listening?
Do I form I rebuttal in my head while he/she is talking?
Do I give the appearance of listening when I am not?
Do I listen to only what I want to hear?
Do I interrupt while he/she is talking?

If you answered ‘yes’ to two or more of the questions, then you should consider changing your communication style.

Good communication doesn’t just happen; it has to be recognized and practiced. To assist in building more effective communications consider the following guidelines:

Think through your message. What is it you want to say? What message do you want your partner to hear? How should you phrase it?
Choose a good time to communicate. Ask your partner when a good time would be to talk. Remember, for two people to understand each other, both must have time to communicate.
Give the other person your full attention. Turn off the TV, put down your cell phone, listen for understanding, hear the words and tone, read the body language.
Avoid being defensive. Understand your partner’s point of view. Ask questions, paraphrase.
Verbally follow your partner. Use “I follow you”, “yes”, “I understand” and other verbal encouragements.
Use open-ended dialogue and questions. Such as: “Tell me more about…”, “What are your ideas on …”, “What would make for a win/win solution”

Each week or two, revisit your communication success and determine what progress you are making in the areas for improvement. Over time, you will notice your areas of strength will rise and areas for change diminish. Periodically celebrate your success (i.e. doing something special such as a night out).

For additional information, read: Retirement: The Ultimate Life Journey. A navigational guide for life after work.