Death of a Spouse or Partner
This week I spoke with someone who recently lost his wife due to a serious illness. During our conversation, the person said, “It’s been weeks since my wife’s passing. I thought we were going to enjoy retirement and get old together. Now that’s just not going to happen. I don’t know how to grieve!”
We all like to imagine retirement as a time we will enjoy to the fullest. While this is true, it is also a time when we could, as the person I met, face the death of a loved one. This can be one of life’s most painful and frightening situations. Not only do you suffer from a broken heart, but you may also now have to face the future alone.
People deal with death in different ways. Regardless of your methods, you will likely need help to cope. The support of family and friends provides necessary sympathy, patience and understanding. It takes time to heal, and the length and intensity of the grieving period depends largely upon the situation and the individual.
Stages of Grieving
- Denial – at this stage you have trouble believing your loved one is gone. Denial is a cushion in your mind that helps you get through this difficult time. Don’t rush or bulldoze your way through this stage. Denial, as with all stages, will end when you are ready. Let is happen gradually. This stage may last several weeks or months.
- Anger – you may be angry about your spouse or partner’s departure. Anger is a common feeling. Anger helps you move towards regaining control of your life.
- Bargaining – this is the stage when you ask the “what if” questions. “What would have happened if I had done more for him or her?” “What if I had been more supportive?” Don’t beat yourself up about the past. What’s done is done and it cannot be changed.
- Resignation – you start to accept reality. You begin to get balance back in your life. Obviously, there will still be lows, but they will be more in balance with the highs.
- Acceptance – you accept the passing of your loved one. You begin to review your opinions and make decisions about the rest of your life.
During the grieving process, give yourself time to heal. Don’t make any major decisions such as moving or remarrying for at least six months to one year. You need time to learn who you are and how to live with and by yourself. Although difficult, it is an incredible time of self-discovery.
Throughout the grieving process, keep in touch with friends and family. Share your plans, dreams, fears and apprehensions. Allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, and other emotions. Take care of your physical health. You may choose to connect with a widow/widower support group. Information can be obtained by contacting the Canadian Mental Health Association which can help you find the support your need.