Awkward Couple Discussions About Retirement!
At retirement, one relationship that often changes is with your spouse or partner. In the early and middle years of marriage, couples normally don’t spend a lot of time together. As partners, they are busy making a living, raising a family, and fixing up a home.
Often, couples avoid talking about retirement because the topic triggers deep fears about money, aging, and changes in their daily lives.
A relationship filled with good times is not something that just happens. It requires planning and effort. So why do partners stay quiet about retirement?
Here are some main reasons:
- Money: Many people worry they have not saved enough and are embarrassed to admit the fact. If one person saved much more, it can create guilt or a feeling of power imbalance.
- Differing Ideas: One partner may want to travel while the other may want a quiet life at home. Another is, one partner looks forward to retirement while the other wants to keep working with no plans to ‘hang up the skates’.
- Loss of Identity: This is a biiggie! In North America, we are known by the job we hold; secretary, supervisor, manager, business owner. When we retire, we lose this identity. Leaving work makes them feel invisible or useless. Talking about these feelings is uncomfortable for many.
- Fear of Aging: Talking about later life reminds that our youth is fading and forces couples to think about illness, physical decline, and death.
Where to Start?
To start a conversation about retirement without making it feel stressful or like an interrogation, begin with questions focused on dreams and lifestyles rather than money.
- Pick the Right Moment: Choose a relaxed setting, like a drink on the patio or deck, a quiet dinner out, or during a long, casual drive.
- Use an External Trigger:
“Today at the gym I was asked what my retirement plans were and I had a hard time answering.”
“Jim at work is retiring next week and he outlined his plan about possibly working part-time. This got me thinking.”
- Ask Big-Picture Questions:
“When you think of retirement, what would your ideal picture look like?”
“Do you see us staying in our home or moving? What’s your thoughts of downsizing?”
“In a perfect world, at what age would you want to stop working, or would you prefer to transition to semi-retirement?”
- Listen and Validate. If your partner wants to buy an RV and travel, “That sounds adventurous. What draws you to that?”
“What are your thoughts of living closer to the kids?”
- Wrap up with Small, Actionable Next Steps
Keep the first conversation short (15-20 minutes). End it by suggesting:
“Thanks for chatting. Let’s think about our goals and talk about them in a couple of weeks.”
“Let me give some thought about life in an RV.”
As part of your retirement planning, it’s important for you and your partner to identify to each other what retirement means in terms of roles and responsibilities. By doing this, you create a mini job description. Further, it can outline dates, duties, responsibilities and authorities.